The Dowggie Blog

It’s really all about angles.

When life seems shitty, it’s often about viewing things from the right angle. When the right angle is found, things become clear.

My hands haven’t been functioning at full capacity the past couple of months. They’ve been… well… fucked.

So the past couple of months have been spent searching for the proper angle from which to view this present wrinkle.

Earlier tonight, i sounded a tad less shitty at our regular thursday night Chakik’s gig.

Part of it was a triumph of will.

Where the mind leads, the universe follows.

I took solos on a couple of tunes, most notably on an uptempo "Cherokee". The past couple of months have been spent in abject terror of uptempo playing. Fast playing has been a distant, impossible dream. A fleet mind hamstrung by geriatric fingers.

Earlier tonight, on "Cherokee", i went deep into the zone. Focused on breath, ki, intent.

One-pointed focus. The same one-pointed focus which, when called upon, has kept me alive in life-threatening situations.

And wonder of wonders, roughly 70% of the notes intended came out of the instrument.

Hooyah!

Part of tonight’s qualified triumph was also a matter of planning ahead. Taking the past coupla months’ experience into account, i know what my hands will NOT do (no matter how strong, how focused, how clear the intent). So i just avoided the obvious pitfalls of execution and went with stuff i knew my hands MIGHT do.

That in itself is, of course, rather frustrating. That there’s quite a bit my hands can normally do but in recent past have simply refused to do is a bitter pill to swallow.

But it also forces me to realize just how capable my hands really are under normal circumstances. Makes me appreciate the level of skill i have in fact attained… have worked damn hard for 21 years to attain!

Forces me to view my own capacities in a new light.

When my hands get back to normal, perhaps i won’t be so quick to judge myself as harshly as i often have. Perhaps i’d've learned to be kind to myself as well.

Immodest as it may sound, given how i’ve sounded the past couple of months, if i could hear myself play the way i normally do, i’d be fuckin’ impressed.

Perhaps that’s part of the lesson this present wrinkle presents.

Tonight’s tale doesn’t end there.

At gig’s end, as i walked to my car, everything around me was music.

Skarlet’s footsteps were punctuations,  backbeats of a bluesy 12/8 shuffle. The rustle of an unseen car’s wheels on a wet pavement were a quick whip up a fretboard.

On the drive to a 24 hour internet cafe, car horns were jazzy big band horn hits.

And now, as i write this my fingers tap out a Steve Gadd cadence on the computer keyboard.

It’s all good. It’s all music.

Jedi Dog saga continues.

This current episode seems to be The Empire Strikes back, where Luke Skywalker lost his hand to Darth Vader in an epic lightsaber duel.

Return of The Jedi will soon follow.

And when my bionic hands again meld with Nimfa Banocnoc the lightsaber, even a sith lord will bow to the unstoppable force of love. Palpatine will be cast into the pit.

And all the little dowggie ewoks will have one heck of a party.

Love, light & laughter.

Woof!

c",)

… more like debilitated Dowggie, actually.

My hands haven’t been functioning right for the past couple of months. Have been playing at roughly 30% of my capacity. Severe loss of dexterity, strength and fine motor control — in both hands. Also an almost complete loss of tactile sensitivity in both hands.

Makes playing the guitar well a distant, impossible dream.

If i suffered the loss of one hand’s full capacity, i’d still be able to find ways to work around it and still sound ok. But to lose both hands, and nearly all the skill 21 years of gigs and concentrated practise have accumulated….

Sigh.

Doing my best to be a brave dowggie.

But this is possibly the most terrifying thing i’ve ever had to face thus far.

The problem, i’m told by the two doctors i’ve consulted, lies in cervical vertebrae four, five and six… and the discs in between them. As i understand it, it’s a case of slipped discs, displaced/compacted vertebrae and constricted spinal cord and nerves.

Been undergoing rehabilitation therapy for a month. Also been taking vitamin B pills.

But it still feels like it’s been getting worse every day. Feel like i’m slowly losing the use of my hands bit by bit with each passing day.

Virtually a cripple, guitar-wise.

Sigh.

Why now?

Sigh.

Well, it’s not killing me. So it must be making me stronger.

I drink from whatever cup God gives me.

I seek only to do God’s work. And doing God’s work would be so much easier if i had my hands back (and sounded like me again).

But i drink from whatever cup God gives me.

Your will be done, God, not mine.

Glory to God in the highest.

Not a snowflake falls out of place.

God’s will be done.

c",)