The year of the pig hasn’t been going too well for me so far.
Started 2007 with an ambush heart-to-heart talk with my esteemed, beloved father.
I went over to his place for lunch a few days after New Year’s Day, ostensibly to help him diagnose a possible skin condition. Turned out a grilling was what really lay in store.
"Aya," he asked, "Nagsha-shabu ka ba?"
Funny. Ironic.
When i was deep into my drug phase, no one in my family ever suspected me of it. I’d lost over 50 pounds in less than half a year. I would go walking around some of the darkest, dingiest corners of Metro Manila in the wee hours of the morning — too high to sleep, too high to care.
I would lock myself in my room and practise/play music/guitar for 12 to 20 hours straight.
My eyes were set deep in sunken hollows. My belly was non-existent.
(But hey… Freeverse tight-fit faggot fashion fit my shabu-sculpted frame perfectly!)
In the year 2000, i didn’t get high. I stayed high. Sleepless for a week at a time.
There were months when seven out of ten of my days were spent with rock crystals setting amphetaflames afire in my brain.
And all that time, no one in my family asked me about it. No one in my family suspected.
I freely shared my deep, dark secret with a close cousin of mine. But no one else in my family knew.
And now…
Now when what i humbly deem a newfound clarity has been leading me down more positive avenues…
… now when i’ve fought too hard to fight my addiction — alone, unaided, if i may add — to ever want to ditch sobriety…
… now when i’m back to being pleasantly plump…
NOW i’m asked, "Nagsha-shabu ka ba?"
Funny.
Ironic.
Guess it’s true… we don’t get punished for our sins. We get punished by our sins.
Now…
Now when i’ve been a good boy…
Now i get blamed for a large chunk of cash purloined from grandmother and balikbayan aunt.
It pains me to admit this in so public a forum but yes, i have stolen in the past. Yes, i have sinned in the past. As i’ve said on this blog before, mine is a past with more than its fair share of checkers.
BUT… those crimes were so well-executed no one ever even knew that they’d been committed.
Now…
Ewan.
How to exonerate myself from crimes i didn’t commit?
I understand why i’m the prime suspect. Hell, even i would suspect myself the most. The checkers in my past cast my present innocence in dubious light.
Caught in the conondrum, punished by past sins.
Like i said, when i’ve played the criminal in the past, my crimes were so well-executed no one ever knew they’d been commited. (Well, ok… not all of my crimes. But most.)
I’ve kinda been thinking of having surveillance cams installed at key locations around the house. The best way to exonerate myself is to find the butler who really did it.
The only problem is… i’ve a feeling the expense would be prohibitive.
But i will catch this new thief.
Mark my words. This dowggie will have his day.
My name will be cleared.
Back in the day… when i was too addled to care and too guilty to object too strongly, i allowed my reputation to become sullied, tarnished as far as my family was concerned.
But things have changed.
Times have changed.
I have changed.
I know i didn’t do it.
Now…
Now i’m in virtue of the way.
And though a certain advocate of chinese astrology said recently that this year of the pig will be a tough one on us oxen, i sit in silence…
… and know that those in virtue of the way shall win the day.
As warriors say — though you hold a sword over my head, i know no fear; i shall prevail.
"Woof!", a dowggie barks defiantly.
c",)
